“My existence on this earth is pointless.”
That thought crossed my mind every night before I fell asleep.
It had been several months since I completed my post graduation and I had no idea what I was going to do with my life.I had to start a life with my husband two years after our marriage as the distance and the studies freezed those lovely period. My future plans were falling to pieces, and everyone around me kept telling me that I needed to start accomplishing things that I had not yet accomplished like a fellowship and whatsoever, medicine is an endless field i must say where we gotta keep on aspiring high.
I thought i was not where I thought I should be in life. Everyone had expectations that I hadn’t met. I became too focused on becoming a version of myself that everyone else wanted, and I constantly compared myself to other people who had already taken the dive into the next chapter of their life.
I was relentlessly questioned and judged for my slower progression in life. I wondered why I even bothered to exist if I was getting nowhere and disappointing everyone. I began to blame everyone but myself for the state of misery I had fallen into.
My self-esteem began to suffer as the months went by. I felt inferior to everyone and it made me hate myself.I was even scared to meet people. I still did not know what I wanted to do with my life—and I was starting to not even care.
But several months and hundreds of needless questions and doubts later, I decided to block out the negativity, both from myself and other people. I silenced the voice in my head that told me I wasn’t good enough and asked myself what would really make me happy.
It was my long due wish and dream to write and be creative which i shared from my best friend in medical school.
Some of the happiest moments in my life came from opportunities to express myself or put my heart and soul out for everyone to see. Every path I tried to take always led me back to writing.
I got to a point where I realized that I was only trying to pursue other paths because I thought that’s what other people would accept. I was afraid that if I let my imagination soar to all the different possibilities, people would tear me down or tell me to be “realistic.”
The bottom line is that I became paralyzed with this fear of not being accepted. I was afraid to be different or go my own way and pursue what truly made me happy.
I remember back in my residency times when i was feeling so low ,it was a patient who helped me to cheer up myself and think how lucky in life I was.The conversion with her lasted only for some minutes till the senior doc came for rounds.I still have a picture of both of us smiling with a cup of coffee.
Real happiness comes from being content with and proud of yourself.
I finally decided that I was going to devote my time to learning about writing and working on my writing skills. I am happy with that decision and I feel better about myself because I made it for me.
I have learned a few things about choosing the right path for yourself, focusing on what will make you happy.Some solid free time and chats with close friends helped me a lot. If you’ve been struggling to make that choice, I have few things in my mind which would help you out.
Drop your worries.
Having a Type D personality worry seemed inbuilt in me.Worry puts a burden on your mind, body, and spirit. They can keep you up all night if you let them. Find comfort in the fact that everything happens for a reason and everything will fall into place at the right time.During my period of low self esteem and extreme uncertainty, I relentlessly questioned every aspect of my life. I would go to bed frustrated and upset as I told myself I wasn’t good enough and show all anger towards my poor husband.Being with him helped me to tackle worry easily and move ahead with a positive thinking.
By constantly bashing yourself and worrying about every single thing that happens to you, you’re missing out on happiness that you could’ve had all along.
Do not try to please or impress anyone but yourself.
This is important because that thought will ruin you and your little happiness.At one point of time i used to think about acquiring further degrees and fellowships just to show people and answer their endless questions.But when i sat and thought that i was happy with what i am ,made me continue as myself.The need to impress, please, and compare ourselves to other people all the time is one of the most common causes of self-loathing. As long as you’re trying to please other people and live up to their expectations, you will not be pleasing yourself.What I’ve learned is that happiness does not come from pleasing other people. Happiness comes from feeling content with your own life and goals quoting on my own experience.
Embrace your unique qualities and talents.
Everyone is different. Figure out what you’re good at and what sets you apart from everyone else. Your mission is to create a reason for being here.
Believe in your path.
When you start to figure out what you want in life, there will be obstacles. Do not let anyone or anything discourage you from continuing on. Believe in yourself and believe in your decisions.
Stay positive and keep moving forward.
Surround yourself with positivity.
As i told you before one positivity that god gifted me is my husband :). What you can do is try to limit the amount of time you spend with people who nay-say, judge, or ridicule. Choose to completely surround yourself with positive, inspiring influences. You will feel much happier and better about yourself if you do.Make a list of sayings or quotes that make you feel encouraged or inspired and keep it where you can see it each day. Try putting the list under your pillow or on your refrigerator door.
The most important thing to remember is that you are worth it, you can go another day, and you can be happy. Life will not throw you anything you cannot handle or overcome.
Once you start to accept and love yourselves and your desired path, the smoke will clear and you will breathe easy again. Be kind to yourself and life will be a whole lot brighter.
But when in doubt or you feel your self worth is not upto mark ,this is what bible wants to tell about anxiety and worry .
Psalms 139 :13-14For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Matthew 11:28-30
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
The favorite of all is what Paul had written in the book of Corinthians..which said :
No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.
I am happy that the first blog i wrote is about worry.I was actually WORRIED what to write :)
So its signing off time and i would be back with more verbal diarrhea and hoping that my thoughts wont get constipated :).
